This dieting thing is for the birds, yinz. Literally for them, because it feels like all I'm eating lately is nuts and berries. Perhaps a tasty worm or two in the morning would really spice things up.
Remember I had this sort of plan to lose weight before we went to Hilton Head? I think it had something to do with jogging every day, and also eating like a normal human-being instead of a growth-spurting teenage boy.
Well, the running plan lasted for approximately three days, which is basically the story of my exercising life. Good in theory, not so stellar in practice.
But the food. Oh, the food. I might kill for a big hunk of cheese right now. Seriously, if you have Dubliner anywhere on your person, steer clear.
Let me just pat myself on the back here (but really Kyle deserves the props) -- we have been eating really, really healthy stuff. Really healthy. For an entire week now. It's terrible.
This is a pretty good representation of how it feels.
First, our vacation plans got bumped up. We are now leaving for Hilton Head first thing in the morning on July 27. So, um, 31 days from now. Initially we were really excited, because YAY -- we get to go hang out on the beach sooner! But then a mental image of ourselves "hanging out" on the beach made us both reconsider. Mayday, mayday. It was time for drastic action.
Kyle is really the enforcer in our relationship. I'm the big-idea specialist, the dreamer, the person who wants to think all about our limitless potential... and after all that thinking, I feel pretty accomplished and am content to just leave those better selves firmly planted in dreamland, where no actual work must be done.
Kyle, on the other hand, is a freaking German Shepard once he gets motivated.
Look at that intensity in his eye (I am slightly less serious)
We were eating well for a few weeks -- more fruits and vegetables, no buffalo chicken dip, more seafood. But our waistlines weren't exactly shrinking at warp speed. In fact, they were staying pretty much the same.
Then I made a mistake.
I sent Kyle a link to the Caveman diet last Monday. And whoa baby, did that backfire.
First of all, the more I read about it, the more I thought "Yeah, no." I'm sorry, but I'm not using coconut butter or whatever it is they recommend. Also, black beans and chickpeas are nonnegotiables for me. But Kyle had the light of madness in his eyes.
I quickly tried to backtrack. Hey, the Mediterranean diet sounds pretty good, says I! Lots of fruits and veggies, some pasta, lots of fish, a little meat, and (duh) red wine. I could most certainly live with that!
But Kyle (correctly) pointed out that we'd basically been unknowingly following that diet for a month already, and um, not much had happened, scale-wise. So we made a compromise.
He is on his own Kyle-diet, a very slightly less strict version of the Caveman. I am on the Mediterranean diet, except minus the pasta and bread and cheese -- all the best parts! So our two diets are very similar, except mine has a bit more wiggle room. Basically, I can drink red wine. Oh, and occasionally sneak "lentil chips" and "hummus chips," which are very very low in carbs but which Kyle scorns with disdain. I had a few Triscuits and scoops of Taco Dip at
Our meals basically consist of some variation of baked seafood, grilled chicken, roasted asparagus, sauteed brussel sprouts with walnuts, green beans almondine, and some fruit if we're feeling fancy. Tons of tomatoes too. I've made kale chips several times. Kyle "binged" on a bag of snap peas last week.
What have we become?!?
Most of the time I actually enjoy the meals. I love green veggies and fruit and I've really developed a taste for seafood. But my God, I love a good carb. And the next several weeks without them will not change that fact.
I'm down 10 lbs so far. Not all of it was dropped in the past week, but most of it was. Cutting out grains and cheese definitely makes a difference. But I did not enjoy grocery shopping at all on Sunday, and that is most unusual for me. I was surrounded by gruyere ravioli and monk bread and heavenly cheese, all the things I love the most but cannot, must not allow to pass my lips for now.
Those were the skinny jeans that were a smidge too skinny for me a month ago -- success!
Also, is that shop not one of the coolest things you've ever seen?
Gosh, doesn't he look happy?! Look how tall and dark and handsome (and skinny!)
It's not so bad. Really it isn't. I'm about to eat another satsuma, then perhaps indulge in my lunch -- salad with Asian ginger dressing and ginger-marinated, grilled chicken.
But the fact of the matter is that #144 in the vending machine -- that dreaded Snickers bar -- is calling my name. I will resist, either until I've done this for four weeks (July 17, not that I'm counting) or until we leave for Hilton Head.
Until then, friends, please say a prayer. And don't eat bread in front of me.
Just kidding (not really).