Pages

Monday, November 5

Fear.

And when you're alone there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
[Dr. Seuss]

There is a dark, terrible story in the news in Pittsburgh right now. It's about a deadly accident involving a little toddler. The situation is gruesome. And like some sort of emotional masochist, I cannot stop thinking about it.

I can't explain how I feel in a simple, succinct way. It's part horror and part anger at circumstance and mostly just plain sadness. This is one of those times where I have serious doubts about, you know, higher powers. But perched up on top of this bag of feeling is one that never would have entered my emotional realm before. Fear.

I like to live in the light. I know the world can be a tough place, that tragic things happen, that pain is unavoidable. But I've never understood the appeal of, for instance, horror movies. Or Stephen King books. Or truly dark TV shows, even. I detest all that. I don't seek out the bad stuff. I hate to feel afraid.

So while I laid in bed last night and tried to forget what I'd read, what I'd heard on the news, and what I'd imagined as my brain tried to process the details of the accident -- I felt a few kicks from Bunny. 

Normally that's something I laugh over, when the baby kicks just as I'm getting stressed out or upset. I like to pretend that the kid is telling me to snap out of it. But this time, goosebumps prickled up and down my arms. Not the good kind, either. I felt physically, honest-to-God sick. And it's because -- while I can't imagine how the mother must feel -- I now have some idea, even if it's just an inkling, of what she lost.

And so I guess this is the other side of soon-to-be parenthood. The realization of just how scary the world can be, and how things can go wrong in the blink of an eye, and how it truly could happen to you. The understanding that you're not in control, not really. It's a bad feeling.

I don't really have a point to this post, but it feels disingenuous to only write about bump updates and peppermint ice cream cravings and the many, many wonderful and magical things about expecting a baby. It's really scary sometimes too.

5 comments:

  1. Baby will bring so much love and joy into your lives, but with that comes the realization that you are vulnerable and have so much to lose. I really appreciate your sharing this honest post. Hope you are back in the light and cherishing it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Being a mom s a daunting task to say the least. It is rewarding in many ways, some expected, some not. You'll be surprised at the depth of the love you'll feel when you hold your new bundle and realize that you've created a whole other person who will grow and learn and fall down and get back up. Those feelings never go away. There's always something or other that you'll worry about, but you get through it. I've always told my kids that it's ok, and even necessary to have a healthy fear of certain things. Just don't let that fear keep you from living and enjoying life. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. (((hugs)) I knew exactly what feeling you're talking about. I still get that and my is 14 (I had him very young many years before getting married :)

    I think the feeling gets worse when witnessing/reading bad news.

    I hope you feel better today. Parenting is one day at a time. And there is SO MUCH happiness from it. I promise.

    PS - if the "gloomy" feeling stays for longer than you think is normal for yourself, it could be the hormones/post-partum. I know you haven't given birth yet but it can start during pregnancy too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Watching the news will never be the same again, that I can promise you. I remember watching Law and Order SVU shortly after having Libby and suddenly, it wasn't so entertaining. They really do change the way you look at EVERYTHING. But, try not to let the fear dictate how you live and how your little one lives. There are so many wonderful things our kids miss out on if we let our fears dictate our parenting. This book is hands down the best parenting book I've ever read--highly recommend it!

    http://www.amazon.com/Free-Range-Raise-Self-Reliant-Children-Without/dp/0470574755

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you everyone! I'm feeling much better today, though still terrible for the family. This was just one of those news stories that sticks with you -- and like you said, Sarah, I guess watching the news will never really be the same. (That book looks excellent!)

    ReplyDelete